"I'm sorry if i am behaving like this again.i am not running and i promised that i will wait for you no matter how long it would take so you have nothing to worry because i will never leave you."An wrote this for me a few months back and i framed it in my mind.A promise is like a broken frame.It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it.
I know An,i am always emotional but since you've been away i became more emotional than ever."Ignore me so well ema."Said An.The moment passes and we became friends.We sat by each other everyday after that,it was just the way it was.He was five years old older than me,and i remember seeing him around,but have never really enganging in conversation with him.My friendship with his friend,kind of went LOL(lots of love).
I did not put two and two together.I thought i and An would still be friends.I thought we would have been even better than friends like before.How stupid could i have been?And we did.We talked about where we want to be,we talk about music,we talked about life,we talked about each other without any past regrets.But i know how he feels and how he felt.No more trust needed.I was playing around with his feeling this before.But i felt good to have him back in my life.
As time went on things with my boyfriend started getting difficult,i started having problems with him and i turned to An.And he was there for me.I started getting confused,i was bombarded with all these new feeling that i felt i never knew before.But somewhere deep down i knew that they were always be there for me.I just never acknowledge them.I knew that An had felt same things for me,although neither of us pointed it out.I knew we both felt it.
I felt torn,I loved my boyfriend but i felt like I loved An too.Somehow my boyfriend found out about how i feel toward An.And things just blow up from there.Somehow I felt like i was being ran over by a freight train.I was only 15 and i felt like I had to choose between my old lover and my boyfriend.I felt like i had put myself in a rock and a hard place.Either way I would lose.Either way i would hurt.And i did not want to choose.
In the end,I was not strong enough to make a choice and An made it for us.He text me.In it he told me that he had fallen in love with me again and that he had always loved me.He said that he loved me,but he loved his friend too.He promised me that he had sacrifice everything he's ever wanted,so that he knew that he is forward.He said a lot of other stuff in it,but i cant remember what else.zzz..But he must known how i would react.His last sentence said "Ema,please dont make this harder than it already is."I broke down cried in the middle of night,moving here and there after reading it.I felt like my heart was literally breaking.The month after that,I started drinking,i started smoking.
I'm not with his friend anymore.We had not talked for many years.The broke up was terribly awful.Now i'm 17 years old.My classmate is my new boyfriend and it's been three years since it happened.And not a day goes by where i dont think about him or i dont miss him.I heard he's with a girl three years younger than him named Lyna.And now,we did'nt contact each other since two weeks ago.The day that i asked"do you still love me?"And he said"i love you ema,but i have no commitment with you anymore."And now when i do see his photos on facebook,it breaks my heart.I hate that he's not a part of my life as he once was.
I miss him so much.My heart hurts just thinking about it.It breaks my heart seeing him where he is now,seeing him so far from where he is now,seeing him so far from where i wanted him to be and not being able to talk to him about it.I guess a promise just was not enought to save us both.There are so many things wrong with this and i dont know where to begin.Dont get me wrong,I love my new boyfriend with all my heart and to the very core of my being.But I miss my moment with An or his full named as Zakwan Tarmizi.Never make a promise if you cant stick with it.
P/s:This is the flashback and recalling literarily.thanks for reading.
